I was going through my bookshelves today, removing those I'll never read again to take them to a secondhand store, when I came across a little booklet I had made years ago of my thoughts and feelings on my journey through life to that point. They reveal a baring of my soul through the aches of coming out of alcoholism and finding a new life in sobriety, and in finding faith in God. I'd like to share those thoughts now .....
I entitled this little booklet 'The River is Wide'
i saw one day a wise man
but knowing, he was
unknowing and detached
from life's frustrations
living in the moment
and aware of what is
a wise man
not pandering
to mortal
agonies and ecstacies
he was withdrawn
to a separate reality
perhaps
the only reality
that which is
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a question often pondered
is
what is reality?
it depends upon perception
but whose?
and of what?
perception:
the cuckolding claw
of consciousness
grabbing you into seeing
what your eyes can see
the outer eye
or the inner eye?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
life -
a small four-letter word
but containing so much
the desire to grow inwardly
now
experience shared openly
now
knowing, enjoying each moment
now
not rigid, but flowing
not static, but growing
encompassing all
that existence has to offer
now
each moment is precious
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
being
now
experiencing each moment
for what it is
searching
the games
but realizing them
for what they are
finding
the Essential Self
and its relation
to the universe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
once
I was born, and came to learn
to protect my inner being
by applying goop and gop
which hardened into layers
of masks
then
I became lost in the world around me
not knowing who I was
or where I was going
scrambling
at every turn
now
I have another chance at life
layer by layer I peel off my masks
to find out who I really am
and what
my purpose is
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I drop my masks
before you I am
naked in my being
free to be me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
life is full of risks
physical and emotional
if I were to be
totally safe
I would have to stay
in my room
but then
I'd starve to death
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
we can't make it on our own
man is a social animal
we need people
in order to survive
to talk to
to lean on sometimes
to share experiences with
to love
to be loved
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can tell you
my thoughts and ideas
but until I tell you
how I feel
about my thoughts and ideas
I tell you little
about me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to lighten my heart
and unburden my soul
I feel the best thing
would be to see the world
through the eyes of a child -
with wonder and joy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
somehow
in the process of becoming
my own person
my needs are becoming
more simple
less compulsive
it seems that more and more
my needs are less and less
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am the product
of a unique combination
of persons and circumstances
of those who have loved me
and those who refuse
to love me
I am me
and I want to be
the best me
that I can be
and I will be
with God's help
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I try to be honest
with myself
sometimes I'm too confused
to be honest
I don't know
what the honest thing is
if I make a wrong move
I find out in time
with an uncomfortable feeling
deep down inside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
each day
I talk to my other self'
speaking and listening
listening and speaking
my real self
is reflected
in her eyes
in her heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel that I've reached
another stage in my growth
I find I can no longer
rationalize
talk myself into
I have to face
the uncomfortable feeling
inside me
and admit to myself
that this is not right for me
if it were right for me
I would not have
this uncomfortable niggling
inside me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
one day when I was thinking
about all the wrongs I'd done
and taking a good hard look at me
I was afraid
afraid that if I promised
not to be like that anymore
and gave up all my defects
there'd be nothing left
I knew I wanted to be good
but feared that if I tried
to be perfect
I'd fail
then God tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "Hey, that's OK,
you don't have to be perfect,
I love you as you are.
All you have to do it try."
a sense of joy then filled me
I felt released from self
and I knew the most important
thing is to do
the best I can
I learned then that to change
and grow, I had to learn
to accept me and love me
as I am
since then I've been walking
hand in hand with God
He lets me make my mistakes
but He knows I'm trying
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've been so concerned
with what I "should" be
that I lost touch
with what I am
I was so busy trying
to be perfect
trying to measure up
to my ideal self
I became depressed
with my inconsistencies
my failures and me defects
and felt guilty
I'm learning slowly
to accept me as I am
it feels good to know
I don't have to be perfect
I'm learning to like me
to be my own friend
by liking me as I am
I can gradually become
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am ever-changing:
like a meandering river
I flow through life
sometimes my course is slowed
by eddies and whirlpools
and I churn in circles
sometimes rushing
sometimes calm
I flow from my Source
trying to steer clear
of stagnant pools
I continue on my course
searching for the Mouth
where I will intermingle
and become one
in Him
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
one of life's paradoxes
is that if we reach despair
we may find hope
in the depths of our inner hell
we slowly come to the realization
that we must change ourselves
by working slowly, painfully,
we can change our attitudes
and basic perceptions
then, with the dawn of each day
we can thank God
for enabling us
to become
fully human
fully alive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rejoice
to awaken to a new day
to face life with eager anticipation
gone is the misery of yesterday
gone is the hurt that tore my heart
now each day begins
with a prayer in my heart
and on my lips
I rejoice
to have been granted
another today
a time to learn
a time to love
a time to laugh
a time to live
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel an inner strength
and peace
that comes from God
although beset
by my human weaknesses
from time to time
I know that if I place
my trust in God
I will continue to grow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe man
to be basically good
because he comes from God
I believe that to be
fully human, fully alive
I must love and be loved
I believe that to love another
I must first
love myself
I believe that God is love
and that genuine love
comes from God
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thank You, God
for giving me another chance
for showing me how to live
thank You, God
for the people You put in my life
special friends to love
thank You
for my children
whose love runs deep
thank You, God
for touching my soul
for making me whole
